Wednesday 26 August 2009

Zoe Telford Appeal...

Hello again Swipesters.

You wait months for a post and then 15 come at once, yeah?

But seriously. I have scoured the web for photographs of English rose actress, Zoe Telford, in police uniform for her role as Maggie in the BBC America series, Teachers, and can I find one? You got it - a dirty big nyet on that one. Zilcheroonie. So, it's over to you, Swipe-geeks over at cyber.dot.nerds. r-us.com - I await with baited breath. And remember; this is urgent - OK?

Full body shots are preferred, but if you can only find the legs, I guess I'll just have to make do.


Thanks for your assistance and co-operatioon on this,

Love on y'all,


Bob.


p.s. ...handcuffs would just so make my day....



[Originally posted by Robert Swipe, 01.08.2005]



This one would run and run...

Bob posted Zoe Telford Revisited on 04.08.2005, Zoe Telford - a further appeal on 18.08.2005 before widening the net somewhat with a similarly wretched importuning of Zoe's 'Absolute Power' co-star, Sally Bretton (unfortunately the picture seems to have disappeared - doubtless because it was hot wired or whatever you call that thing where you link to another website rather than to a saved copy of the image...you see, crime *really* doesn't pay...) Then there's this (actually rather frightening) morphing photograph of Zoe posted on 23.09.05. And we *finally* get to see her legs on 24.08.2005. The series concludes with a one last update, which seems little more than an excuse to post up a saucy photo of Bob's then current eye-candy bint of choice, Dita von Teese.

Bob's motivation for this sequence of posts appears to have been two-fold. It seems on the one hand to be a comment on that peculiar phenomenon which anyone who's ever monitored their site meter will be all too aware of; the smutty google search. Bob will feast copiously on such carrion over the next few months. There also seems to be additional delight in having found an especially esoteric niche within that already highly specialised interest group that Bob will go on to make his own; the completely obscure celebrity smutty google search would provide Bob with many a 'hit' over the entire span of his career. These are detailed (often to quite painstaking extremes of dullness) elsewhere. Some posts, indeed, consist of little more than a screen grab of the offending search, allowing the world (or, at least, that small part of it who had had the misfortune to come into Bob's orbit) to trace the students of such compelling areas of research as: "Silverton+butt-grab+bacofoil+nonce" and so forth.

This is another example of Bob's interest in the pornographic process that will ultimately see him becoming personally involved in the production side of the process. For the time being though, there's enough distance between the author and his subject to enable his evident titilation to do no more than peek out from behind a wafer thin veil of irony. Towards the end, unfortunately, that won't be all that's peeking out - but I'm getting ahead of myself here. As will be seen, this subject - the appeal to producer and consumer alike of erotic iconography - will become increasingly problematic and personally engrossing for Bob.



xxx
Mort

12 comments:

  1. I now understand the strange fascination my blog has for some in Norfolk. I happened to mention having met the local blonde BBC weather-girl, Julie Reinger, and found the number of hits to my site increased quite dramatically after said post appeared on Google.

    Oddly, a few days later, the words 'Julie', 'Reinger' and 'naked' appeared alongside each other in a fresh post (one denying the rumour that I had access to the photos), boosting my ratings terrifically. I still regularly get visits on the back of the resultant Google listing.

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  2. See what you mean Dave - you're right up there on Google:

    http://www.google.com/search?q=julie+reinger&sourceid=ie7&rls=com.microsoft:en-US&ie=utf8&oe=utf8

    There's also a fan site decicated to the Look East presenter but there's a warening that it may harm your computer, so I won't inflict that link on you and my other gentle readers. Pity - she looks, as the poet would say, a bit of a belter...

    I'll quit while I'm ahead now Dave, before I let slip a Rog. style "...real dead Reinger for lurve..." style faux pas...

    ;)


    xxx
    Mort

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  3. on my original blog, my top google hitster was with regard to a posting about a grey pube

    shame I deleted it really

    (if only the same could be said for the grey pube)

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  4. Yes, we'd all been wondering why you deleted that one ILTV...

    (How is it?)

    ;)

    Strange what people go for, isn't it? Although, sometimes they can surprise you. My all-time biggest non-smut-related hitster came when I put a link to a post entitled "Kate Bush has been living with a swan for a year" on the Grauniad Ulnitimed, around the time that she announced the long-awaited release of her LP 'Aerial'. It was quite scary viewing the site meter that day...

    "Look at me - I'm giving away the *plot*!"

    ("It's all done in the best *parsable* taste...etc. etc. etc...")

    xxx
    Mort

    ReplyDelete
  5. oh Mort - I've deleted more blogs that I care to admit. . .

    (as Samantha, in S&TC says, "if you pluck it out ten more will come to it's funeral. . ."; so I waxed instead)

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  6. Ms Bush!

    ha ha ha

    right on queue - there's not point me telling you how amusing you are, I think you know already

    x

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  7. According to google analytics my most popular blog posts are on 'Sylvac bunnies' and 'Excel'. But then I've never posted on the gorgeous Micheal Fish's meteorological talents

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  8. I expect you'll find the Google links to this comment column while do something for your statistics.

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  9. 'While'? I suspect I meant 'will'.

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  10. Dave - that's what I'm hoping! [Note to self: *more* *smut* in zer *comments* Mort!]

    Wendy, Wendy, Wendy: Michael Fish has walked past me on a number of occasions - he lives [lived?] in nearby Santa Margarita. It's impossible to convey *just* how much more imposing a figure the man cuts in real life as opposed to on TV. Swoon? You betcha.

    Aye El Tea Vee: Thank you - you're ever so kind. I haven't been told that since about February 2006...

    I hope you haven't peaked at the Kate Bush post; it was a sobering insight into the way the www workS as I watched all those new readers popping up on the screen, row after row after row of them. Nice to know that one can reach so many people around the globe virtually instantaneously; but a bit sad to think that so few of those hundreds ever came back again to read more...I *knew* I shoulda put in a bit more porn...

    Have a lovely weekend lads und lasses..

    xxx
    Mort

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  11. p.s.

    I once also walked past Michael Buerk by Barnes Bridge. He was wearing a Connections II t-shirt...

    No other sightings of famous Michaels to report though, sadly.

    xxx
    Mort

    ReplyDelete
  12. The Village is famous for its "celebrities"

    if you hang out there long enough you'll see the famous singer Aled-I-should-have-castrated-myself-while-the-going-was-good-Jones, Tim-if-only-my-parents-had-thought-I-was-good-at-cricket-Henman, Madonna-noone-can-hypenate-a-single-name and all sorts of other has beens. . .

    . . .my personal favourite was my very own stalker (can you call someone who winks at you provocatively a "stalker"? should you?), Alistair-I-don't-know-why-I'm-winking-because-it-hides-one-of-my-biggest-assets-while-I-do-it-McGowan

    (oh, and then there was the time I stood behind that BBC1 news guy - you know, the one with the really big sticky-out ears, in the check-out queue in the supermarket; only he didn't know I was behind him, so no winking went on)

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